What I do with my Best Friend!!

Make fun of the dumb and E! obsessed... in the most drawn out, most elaborate way possible...


From: William ______ <_______@gmail.com>
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May 10 (23 hours ago)
To: jacquegawker@gmail.com
Date: May 10, 2007 5:13 PM
Subject: CLUBBING 2night???

"wt'sup! OMG, I totally drove your sister back 2 the city today from T-town, she had so many funny stories to tell me! Did you hear that Michael and Cindy broke up, and after he moved to New York! Also, she saw a fat guy at a party once. OMG, also a guy from her building is totally funny, and you should meet him or so she tells me. Totally call me. what ru doing 2night, we should go clubbing, I am sooo out of school!!!! DRINKING!!"

From: jacquegawker@gmail.com
To: William ______
Date: May 10, 2007 9:22 PM
Subject: Re: CLUBBING 2night???

"OMG!!! whut ru ^ 2? let's tots go out and get a bottle of pino! or some cosmoz!! lolololo!! I luv u. 143 4eva!!"

"Seriously tho i know sum1 who can get us into 'bitchbar' on that street that doesn't have a name that that guy from England built to house his mansion and secret underground nightclub- it's somewhere near Wall Street on the river, but you totally have to know someone and my friend Whitney totally knows the bouncers sisters manicurist! CLUBBING 2NIGHT!!!!! "

"i heard that that place iz like so BORING!! and that only trashy freshmen girls from nyu get in because they are blowjob machines. i read in US weekly that linz lohan wouldn't even take her dog to shit in that piece of shit club. let's go 2 nobu and get some california rolls (yumz!) and shrimp tempura rolls (double yumz!) and friend chicken rolls (ultimate YUMZ!) and then head to BED!!! BTW!!! FYI!!!! john told me he tots wants to get back 2gether w/ u & will do whateva it takes, aside from actually doing anything that involves any effort at all!! aside from date raping you that one time (YOU BLOW EVERYTHING OUT OF PROPORTION!!! hahajkhjk lolol, not really!!) hes sooooooo sweet, you should totally give him another chance?! PLUS he can pick us up 2 night!!"

"OMG HE HAS A CAR NOW? i TOTALLLLY WANT HIM!

WHAT'S A BLOWJOB MACHINE AND WHERE CAN I BUY ONE? cALI rolls are so gross, I like tuna tar tar but well done. srislu tho it's totally friday and we should get tanked, i mean seriously! i didn't want to tell you right away to jinx it, but i just got the call and I got this really highpaying job at NYMAG which they never EVER give to people just out of college, but this woman I met at a bar and accidentally on purpose spilled my coffee on was so taken by me because I made this joke about Gordon Matta-Clark that referred to a really old issue of NYMAG that she offered me the job on the spot, and they're going to start paying me half-salary now every week until Labor Day so that I can write until the summer's over. They're sending me to the South of France and all I have to do is send them one column every month that they'll print no matter what I right. And this morning I was getting a cup of coffee on the UES and I bumped into Woody Allen, literally bumped him (he;s soooo small!) and he looked at me really weird and I was shocked because it was him! and he said that he could tell just by looking at me that I'd be perfect for his new movie that's shooting in June in....YOU GUESSED IT, the South of France, and the shoots only three weeks, and I'm playing opposite Sco Jo, and she's newly single and Woody said he thought she and I would really hit it off, so he set up dinner for us tonight in the Plaza, which technically isn't open yet, but there's this restaurant on the rooftop that's only open by invite and it's run by this super brilliant Spanish chef who was retired but now he's only cooking 12 dinners a year on the roofs of beautiful buildings all over the world. How nice is Woody? Anyway, I gotsta pack. OMG do u want to help me pick out an outfit for my dinner with Scarlett? OH wait sorry, nvrmind, I'm going to use this certificate that flew into my window when I opened it for a complete free wardrobe custom designed by Tom Ford from his new store, and I called to see if they could hook me up on such short notice and they're totally free today... TTYL!! LUV U!!! XOXOOXOXOXOX"

"OMG! U R such a lucky slutbag!! I would suck so much cock 2 write 4 NYMAG! JKJK! seareslee though, did you suck a lot of cock b/c ur not even that good a writer! JKJK!!!! south of france is so bangin' this time of year, my friend's brother's father in-law has an amazing yacht that the HILTONS (!!!!!) rent from him wheneva they are there. maybe when paris gets out of the slammer she'll go and like get totally wasted! btw, i'm righting her everyday she is in jail to show solidrity. i 1der if she will be able to get nesquik (and I don't mean strawberry milk) in there?!?!? SPEAKING OF NESQUIK!! what r we doing 2night? GOING AWAY PARTY!??! we should tots go to ur old, fav restaurant red lobster and remeber the days when that's all u could afford be4 u bcame a big shot slut @ NYMAG!!"

"O
M
G

U R totalys the slut! Srsly if u call me a slut again I'll get my lowyer (sp?? I dunno) I know that yacht ur talking about, but it's tots shit it's barly a salboat. those peops are tots poor. w-port is like the place to be, if u cant get to South of France which is tots bangin!

Ummm, seriously...this kind of talk is making me ill now."