Bag of Dicks Award!

I have decided to start a new feature on my blog. Every Friday, I will feature someone or something that deserves to eat a big bag of dicks- whether it be because they did something stupid, said something stupid, wrote something stupid, etc (really any combination of dumb/stupid people/things qualify). You get it. So, without further ado, I present to you the first bag of dicks award... and it goes to...


M Y G I R L F R I E N D !

Yes, my girlfriend. At first I thought maybe I'd award it to Anne Coulter, but every queer rights org is doing a pretty good job of awarding her their own personal brand of bagged dick so I'll lay off. Back to my girlfriend, she's been gone the entire week and her absence has totally fucked up my routine. For one thing, no bone! I know couples can go for days, even weeks (!), without sex, but we aren't lame and straight. I shouldn't say that. I'm sure their are tons of heteros fucking all over town, all the time. You see what sex deprivation does to me!? Makes me mean and insolent. I'm sorry my straight brothers and sisters. Where was I? Oh, another thing about my girlfriend being away- I never realized how much easier life is when you have someone else doing half of the mundane housekeeping/organizing stuff. Unloading the dishwasher, loading it, making the bed, sweeping, cleaning the bathroom, taking out the trash, taking out the recycling, grocery shopping, etc, etc while TOTALLY alone is some depressing shit! What else? I guess that's about it. See what little can qualify you to receive this award? Better watch out!

Anne Coulter

Classin' it up, as usual.

so,

Who wants to go to the Hawaiian Tropic Zone with me next week? BROMANCE!

the oscars, etc.

So, the biggest news of the Oscars is that they're going to be green. Seriously? What is the academy going to do? Turn the lights out during the commercial break? Does anyone have any idea what they plan to do? Or should everyone start collectively ignoring anything anyone from L.A. ever says? I think I'll do the latter starting... now. Other than all that bullshit, I have nothing else to say about the Oscars. I only saw two and three fourths of the movies nominated. I totally slept through the ending of Little Miss Sunshine, not because I was bored, but because I was on sleep inducing drugs. And I was bored. Maybe I'll start going to more movies. Meh.

What else? The other day, I was talking to my friend-who I will call B.*- about Brooke Hogan. And I said that Brooke Hogan looks like a football player wearing a blond slut suit and B. laughed. And then B. told me today that he riffed off my joke and said that Brooke Hogan looks like Venus Williams is wearing an Anna Nicole Smith suit. Really though, I thought my version was better, simply because B's version was way too topical/disorienting. Why am I typing out all of this? Oh, because I said a funny thing today to B. and he said that he'd only use the joke after I use it/claim ownership of the joke in a public place (my blog), but now I've totally forgotten it! I guess he deserves the joke.































*I realize that some of my friends may not want their identity revealed, although B. is totally one that would, but my mission in life is to take away anything that will make B. happy so... no full name here sucka!

things I don't want to admit:

1. I think Sienna Miller is super fine, like SUPER FINE.

2. Up until 13 minutes ago I had no clue who Sienna Miller was or what she was famous for. I figured a model, actress, singer or some glorious hybrid of those three(?).

3. I am really mad at Bravo. It all started when Jeffrey "Hot Topic" Sebelia won Project Runway. And then they sort of won me back when they started airing Six Feet Under, but now they've kind of taken a HUGE shit all over the good they've done with the losing combo of bequething the title of Top Chef onto Ilan (I would have preferred any of the other finalists over him) and Top Design. Double finger to Bravo.

4. There is something floating around in my water. Yuck. I'm still drinking it though.

5. I think I like Sarah Silverman's show on Comedy Central, which leads me directly to...

6. Dick and fart jokes get me everytime.

job-ish related matters

So, in addition to volunteering at 826NYC and working for Neil G., I have just begun (2 days ago, so I'm fressssh) interning at Gawker. Point of this post: I am writing Blogorrhea NYC and I wanted to bring this to your attention, because I would love to know about your hilarious/awesome blog or (a) hilarious/awesome blog(s) you read. Please email links to me at jacquegawker@gmail.com.

Also, now that I am blogging more and more, Haley has started referring to my boobs as bloobs., which has to be documented here simply because it's the funniest thing she's said all year.

great crack addict and/or meth addict names list:

- hot dog
- snowcone or snocone
- trixie
- door stop
- whitney houston

more to come!