the diary of the ultimate bromancer

Don't Call It A Comeback!

2008-02-19T09:06:00.000-08:00

Well, no. Please don't. Not yet at least. I've been doing a lot of blogging over at Chief, but, after some reflection, I've decided I need to get back to my own poor, neglected blog.

So, here's a list of unimportant/totally important things that have happened in the last month:

1. No more coffee. Seriously, it's the devil's jizz.

2. I've been listening to tapes. Everyone needs to fall back in love with their tape collection. And this includes all mix tapes from high school, I think you'll be pleasantly surprised at your taste level. For me, it's just so rad knowing I was listening to Four Tet when everyone around me was listening to Dispatch.

3. Television! Not the band! Even though they're great!

a. The L Word has actually gotten interesting. And by "interesting" I mean, there is approx. 17 times more sex than any previous season (maybe not counting the first).

b. LOST. Yes.

4. I got a new pair of my glasses. They look like this...

Not bad, eh? Certainly less severe than some of my other pairs in recent history. I guess this is what my Mom calls "growing up", which is code for "I'm glad you don't want to look like a fucking idiot anymore".

5. I'm reading John Williams' Augustus. It's amazing. I'm taking my time with it, savoring it. This new way of reading... it's like book sex. Which is not usually how I read things I'm into, but it's proving to be way more enjoyable and way less obsessive.

6. THE FUTURE IS HAPPENING!

More blog dispatches to come...

SECRET FAGGOT!

2008-01-01T18:47:00.000-08:00

I'm DJing. Be there! BEWARE!

new gig

2007-09-18T15:39:00.000-07:00

doing stuff for chief magazine now and there is going to be a super great show/party this saturday that anyone reading this should come to! here are the details:

ChiefMag.com presents…
THE LAST DAY OF SUMMER

Saturday, Sept 22
THE SWET BAND
THE HUXTABLES
THE BAD DREAMS

@ The Lost and Found Bar
113 Franklin Ave @ Greenpoint
BKNY

FREE!
Open Bar 9-10pm
Newcastle Beer

fuck netflix

2007-07-12T15:13:00.000-07:00

I just joined this really great website for the sweet and scholarly. If you're cool and literate, you can holler at me here. If not, just keep sippin' on my pre-babies, foolios.

Melt Banana

2007-06-13T18:58:00.000-07:00

Knitting Factory, 6/10/07

Reaction to the The Sopranos Season Finale?

2007-06-13T06:58:00.000-07:00

Not gonna do it.

bike culture ALWAYS for sale

2007-06-06T20:40:00.000-07:00

(Sorry, in advance, for sounding a bit dry/preachy, I'm usually just like every other snarky, unhappy, New York loser that sits around and pretends not to care about anything, while eating Frito's and watching Flavor of Love on my couch... seriously...)

If you are as obsessed with all things bike, like me, you might remember a little over a year ago, Brooklyn Industries engaged in some "edgy" advertising. Specifically, they had a spring window display at their Brooklyn store that featured tall bikes or mutant bikes. Tall bikes, made from recycled/discarded bikes stacked on top of each other, are mobile commentaries on waste and excess. Rusty relics of consumerism... on wheels! The irony of the advertisement was bittersweet and shortly lead to an prominent, permanent acid scrawled decree, "Bike Culture Not 4 Sale", most probably perpetrated by a member of Brooklyn's own Black Label Bike Club.

Yesterday, as I was walking around SoHo, I couldn't help be reminded of this incident when, within a few block radius, I came across these two window displays...

One at Camper:

And one at Stussy:

Let me start by saying, I understand and support promoting eco-friendly transportation methods and Bike Month and, in most circumstances, proceeds from a store's sales benefiting certain bicycle advocacy groups or programs. I have found no evidence of this being the case with Camper and Stussy, please feel free to email me if you've found anything to the contrary. So, what this leads me to is that, when it comes to trying to sell your product to the public as a super hip, have-to-have item (whether it be shoes or shirts or bags) why are bikes being used to grease the wheels- pardon the pun- of commerce? When did advertisers decide to use bikes, shamelessly, as tools of product plugging and pumping? Specifically specialty bikes like tall bikes, fixed gear/track bikes and chopper bikes?

Bikes are cool. They are fun to ride and make and fix and crash. So, can we put a stop to the slow transformation of bikes into symbols of brutish mercantilism? And how?

UPDATE (6/10/07):

HA! (thanks to whoever posted this on bike forum)

UPDATE (6/13/07): Reaction to this post from good friend, rad cyclist and active member of the messenger comunnity, Dagga, and it goes as follows (unedited, fools):

"i for one remember the stunt that b.i. pulled last year and remember being amused both by the ad and commentary afterward. As an active member of the messenger and bike scene, honestly i'm torn when it comes to companies and their use of bike culture to promote whatever. On the one hand, it is important to remember that bikes are a business thatneeds to be promoted in order to be sold, to keep the culture alive and accessible to people. Also important is how high end of a culture, cycling really is and when more mainstream companies put out the word , it brings people who would not necessarily know what's going on into the light; which in my opinion is pretty necessary. However there is something to be said about the exploitation of the bike. B.i. went too far with the tall bike they are a part of the scene that revels in its obscurityand has ties to gangs that promote self sufficiency with regard to clothing, transport and healthy living; which made it totally against everything that b.i. was trying to do with the bike. with regard to camper and stussy- i've seen both windows and well... not too sure what camper is trying to pull, it seems though in going with their style they are still trying to go for the baby boomers. Many of them have toddlers on those little wooden bikes. But honestly ad, shoe and bike alike are not practical for true cyclists. Stussy however is up on their shit - they teamed up a while ago with about two fixed gear specific clothing companies and have put out gear. Long known for its place on the surfing scene it seems like they are trying their luck with the bikers, which is cool i guess. They have definitely teamed up with a small shop in baltimore called "shop,gentei" and put out some shirts. gentei is pretty commited to the messenger scene as they are run by and cater to messengers. They put on races and other events that definitely keep the culture alive. I'm not sure but they might also have done stuff with cadence clothng based out of cali, i'm not sure about that one so don't quote me on it. But one thing that i have learned on the bike scene is that it does need that extra support from major companies sometimes. There are definitely boundaries that have to be respected, but its always nice to have friends in high places. If stussy wants to team up with smaller companies regarding designs that help small business profit, more power to them for giving the cyclist a bit more power; but if its just a bike display to jump on a culture that people are beginning to respect, thats pretty wack. thats pretty much what i think of that. "

Keep the reactions coming folks!

What it is. What it is.

2007-05-29T16:26:00.000-07:00

TONIGHT!

2007-05-26T15:21:00.000-07:00

Kid Sister at Canal Room. With The Rub. If you're not a total Tori Lamos, you'll go.

What I do with my Best Friend!!

2007-05-11T13:39:00.000-07:00

Make fun of the dumb and E! obsessed... in the most drawn out, most elaborate way possible...

From: William ______ <_______@gmail.com>
hide details
May 10 (23 hours ago)
To: jacquegawker@gmail.com
Date: May 10, 2007 5:13 PM
Subject: CLUBBING 2night???

"wt'sup! OMG, I totally drove your sister back 2 the city today from T-town, she had so many funny stories to tell me! Did you hear that Michael and Cindy broke up, and after he moved to New York! Also, she saw a fat guy at a party once. OMG, also a guy from her building is totally funny, and you should meet him or so she tells me. Totally call me. what ru doing 2night, we should go clubbing, I am sooo out of school!!!! DRINKING!!"

From: jacquegawker@gmail.com
To: William ______
Date: May 10, 2007 9:22 PM
Subject: Re: CLUBBING 2night???

"OMG!!! whut ru ^ 2? let's tots go out and get a bottle of pino! or some cosmoz!! lolololo!! I luv u. 143 4eva!!"

"Seriously tho i know sum1 who can get us into 'bitchbar' on that street that doesn't have a name that that guy from England built to house his mansion and secret underground nightclub- it's somewhere near Wall Street on the river, but you totally have to know someone and my friend Whitney totally knows the bouncers sisters manicurist! CLUBBING 2NIGHT!!!!! "

"i heard that that place iz like so BORING!! and that only trashy freshmen girls from nyu get in because they are blowjob machines. i read in US weekly that linz lohan wouldn't even take her dog to shit in that piece of shit club. let's go 2 nobu and get some california rolls (yumz!) and shrimp tempura rolls (double yumz!) and friend chicken rolls (ultimate YUMZ!) and then head to BED!!! BTW!!! FYI!!!! john told me he tots wants to get back 2gether w/ u & will do whateva it takes, aside from actually doing anything that involves any effort at all!! aside from date raping you that one time (YOU BLOW EVERYTHING OUT OF PROPORTION!!! hahajkhjk lolol, not really!!) hes sooooooo sweet, you should totally give him another chance?! PLUS he can pick us up 2 night!!"

"OMG HE HAS A CAR NOW? i TOTALLLLY WANT HIM!

WHAT'S A BLOWJOB MACHINE AND WHERE CAN I BUY ONE? cALI rolls are so gross, I like tuna tar tar but well done. srislu tho it's totally friday and we should get tanked, i mean seriously! i didn't want to tell you right away to jinx it, but i just got the call and I got this really highpaying job at NYMAG which they never EVER give to people just out of college, but this woman I met at a bar and accidentally on purpose spilled my coffee on was so taken by me because I made this joke about Gordon Matta-Clark that referred to a really old issue of NYMAG that she offered me the job on the spot, and they're going to start paying me half-salary now every week until Labor Day so that I can write until the summer's over. They're sending me to the South of France and all I have to do is send them one column every month that they'll print no matter what I right. And this morning I was getting a cup of coffee on the UES and I bumped into Woody Allen, literally bumped him (he;s soooo small!) and he looked at me really weird and I was shocked because it was him! and he said that he could tell just by looking at me that I'd be perfect for his new movie that's shooting in June in....YOU GUESSED IT, the South of France, and the shoots only three weeks, and I'm playing opposite Sco Jo, and she's newly single and Woody said he thought she and I would really hit it off, so he set up dinner for us tonight in the Plaza, which technically isn't open yet, but there's this restaurant on the rooftop that's only open by invite and it's run by this super brilliant Spanish chef who was retired but now he's only cooking 12 dinners a year on the roofs of beautiful buildings all over the world. How nice is Woody? Anyway, I gotsta pack. OMG do u want to help me pick out an outfit for my dinner with Scarlett? OH wait sorry, nvrmind, I'm going to use this certificate that flew into my window when I opened it for a complete free wardrobe custom designed by Tom Ford from his new store, and I called to see if they could hook me up on such short notice and they're totally free today... TTYL!! LUV U!!! XOXOOXOXOXOX"

"OMG! U R such a lucky slutbag!! I would suck so much cock 2 write 4 NYMAG! JKJK! seareslee though, did you suck a lot of cock b/c ur not even that good a writer! JKJK!!!! south of france is so bangin' this time of year, my friend's brother's father in-law has an amazing yacht that the HILTONS (!!!!!) rent from him wheneva they are there. maybe when paris gets out of the slammer she'll go and like get totally wasted! btw, i'm righting her everyday she is in jail to show solidrity. i 1der if she will be able to get nesquik (and I don't mean strawberry milk) in there?!?!? SPEAKING OF NESQUIK!! what r we doing 2night? GOING AWAY PARTY!??! we should tots go to ur old, fav restaurant red lobster and remeber the days when that's all u could afford be4 u bcame a big shot slut @ NYMAG!!"

"O
M
G

U R totalys the slut! Srsly if u call me a slut again I'll get my lowyer (sp?? I dunno) I know that yacht ur talking about, but it's tots shit it's barly a salboat. those peops are tots poor. w-port is like the place to be, if u cant get to South of France which is tots bangin!

Ummm, seriously...this kind of talk is making me ill now."

America, FUCK YEAH!!

2007-05-04T18:39:00.000-07:00

Get your buster bat [what the fuck is a buster bat?] today and take justice in your hands. Beat the heck out of this evil man! Join the war on terrorism and kill Bin Laden! Nothing better than a Bin Laden pinata to blow away terrorist scum bags! Now that you've got Bin Laden under a buster bat don't miss the chance to bust his head off!

- OsamaBinLadenPinatas.com (seriously, go to this webpage)

Yes, your eyes are working properly. That, my friends, is an Osama Bin Laden PINATA! And it's making its way to my house as we speak. Oh man, I'm going to get so pumped beating the shit out this thing and then once it's reduced to a pussy cardboard/toliet paper pulp, use it to wipe away my freedom shits. AHHHH! My brain just exploded red, white and blue all over my computer screen!!

Homeless Vagina

2007-04-23T08:46:00.000-07:00

On Friday night, I headed out to Williamsburg to see Japanther. For those of you who don't know who Japanther is or what they sound like, shame on you. Japanther (Ian Vanek and Matt Reilly) is easily some of the best noise rock/punk music out today. Yikes, could that sound any lamer? Trust me though, they're good. The show was originally set to be held in the Sugar Factory, a super flossy nightclub, on South 2nd and Kent. But, alas, problems with the management arose and the show was moved to a much cooler/intimate, albeit much smaller, space next door. No stage separated the bands from the audience, which gave it that fun friend's basement-type authenticity.

The first band, Jason Anderson and the Best was totally not bad. They were full of energy, Jason Anderson had a great scream, there was dude on the sax!! AND a cute girl on the tambourine! All-in-all a great way to start the night. After their set, I grabbed a beer, met up with a rad bro, Jah Jah and his rad bro Thomas, drank more beer and sparks (mistake), and waited for Japanther. When they came on, I was right up front. Dudes and Dudettes started getting raucous and fun and within, what felt like, 50 seconds, someone had started surfing. I got kicked in the face and was sufficiently drunk enough to not care.

What I did care about though was what was standing next to me, easily the smelliest person in Brooklyn. Literally, the smell that was wafting off of this person could had killed a much smaller, weaker person. The aroma was a mix of bad vag and homeless, so I guess you could say, homeless vag? I know what you're thinking, "Jacque, what smells were you expecting at the punk show filled with sweaty crusties? Fresh baked cookies or lilac?" No, no I wasn't. I just didn't expect to be hit in the face with the olfactory equivalent of a baseball bat. And I was! As I was dancing (the ultimate bro has NO rhythm and therefore dances like a itchy, epileptic chicken) the source of the stink was moving closer and closer to my person. Let me describe what the homeless vagina looked like, a white guy, a little taller than me (5'6"? 5'7" maybe?), with a pubey, gnarly mess of facial hair, fingerless gloves (woof!), big grandma-esque looking glasses that were probably not prescription (does that make them worse or better? in any case, double woof!) and, to top it all off, the grossest nest of poo locks I have ever seen. Long, scraggly and clearly the source of smell. Short aside here, what is it about white kids and dreads? Are you a rastafarian? No, you're not. You are lazy and hate Mom and Dad and the rest of us and are punishing our eyes and noses. At one point he was whipping them around so frantically, they were precious centimeters away from my own face. I felt like Ben Stiller in that shitty movie when he plays basketball with a sweaty, hairy dude. Only plus like a thousand, tiny bugs.

I spilt before the next band, teen sensation/ultimate shtickers Harry and the Potters played. Because I don't like Harry Potter (or a so-so band riding that wave for all it's worth), but also out of fear of being infected by whatever Sir Homeless Vag McPoolocks was surely spreading.

the ultimate bromancer and possible puppy hawker?

2007-04-04T11:14:00.000-07:00

My resume should be featured under the "Symptoms" section of bi-polar disorder in the latest edition of the DSM. But I figure I need money and I like hanging out with rad, little puppies- so it's kind of perfect, no?

Before you answer, let me tell you how this opportunity presented itself...

I was walking around yesterday, feeling "eh." Usually when I feel "eh" a few things cheer me up: sex, buying something I really want but don't need, or high fiving puppies at Le Petite Puppy on Christopher Street. Sex was out of the question, my girlfriend was working under major deadline. Buying something I really want, but don't need sounded good, but alas NO CASH! So, onto the puppy store it was. I usually roll on by once a week, play with a fun dog, talk to it about doggy pizza and beer, and think about a life (with a dog of my own) filled with human pizza/beer, puppy pizza/beer and T.V. Ah, bro and dog. So sweet. But, yesterday when I went in, before I said anything, the owner flat out asked, "When are you going to come and work for me?" Stoked and shocked, I said I'd have to think about it. He gave me his cell phone number and told me to call him at the end of the week to let him know what I decided.

I think I might try it out.

Bag of Dicks Award!

2007-03-09T13:18:00.000-08:00

I have decided to start a new feature on my blog. Every Friday, I will feature someone or something that deserves to eat a big bag of dicks- whether it be because they did something stupid, said something stupid, wrote something stupid, etc (really any combination of dumb/stupid people/things qualify). You get it. So, without further ado, I present to you the first bag of dicks award... and it goes to...

M Y G I R L F R I E N D !

Yes, my girlfriend. At first I thought maybe I'd award it to Anne Coulter, but every queer rights org is doing a pretty good job of awarding her their own personal brand of bagged dick so I'll lay off. Back to my girlfriend, she's been gone the entire week and her absence has totally fucked up my routine. For one thing, no bone! I know couples can go for days, even weeks (!), without sex, but we aren't lame and straight. I shouldn't say that. I'm sure their are tons of heteros fucking all over town, all the time. You see what sex deprivation does to me!? Makes me mean and insolent. I'm sorry my straight brothers and sisters. Where was I? Oh, another thing about my girlfriend being away- I never realized how much easier life is when you have someone else doing half of the mundane housekeeping/organizing stuff. Unloading the dishwasher, loading it, making the bed, sweeping, cleaning the bathroom, taking out the trash, taking out the recycling, grocery shopping, etc, etc while TOTALLY alone is some depressing shit! What else? I guess that's about it. See what little can qualify you to receive this award? Better watch out!

Anne Coulter

2007-03-03T10:26:00.000-08:00

Classin' it up, as usual.

so,

2007-02-27T10:36:00.000-08:00

Who wants to go to the Hawaiian Tropic Zone with me next week? BROMANCE!

the oscars, etc.

2007-02-26T20:10:00.000-08:00

So, the biggest news of the Oscars is that they're going to be green. Seriously? What is the academy going to do? Turn the lights out during the commercial break? Does anyone have any idea what they plan to do? Or should everyone start collectively ignoring anything anyone from L.A. ever says? I think I'll do the latter starting... now. Other than all that bullshit, I have nothing else to say about the Oscars. I only saw two and three fourths of the movies nominated. I totally slept through the ending of Little Miss Sunshine, not because I was bored, but because I was on sleep inducing drugs. And I was bored. Maybe I'll start going to more movies. Meh.

What else? The other day, I was talking to my friend-who I will call B.*- about Brooke Hogan. And I said that Brooke Hogan looks like a football player wearing a blond slut suit and B. laughed. And then B. told me today that he riffed off my joke and said that Brooke Hogan looks like Venus Williams is wearing an Anna Nicole Smith suit. Really though, I thought my version was better, simply because B's version was way too topical/disorienting. Why am I typing out all of this? Oh, because I said a funny thing today to B. and he said that he'd only use the joke after I use it/claim ownership of the joke in a public place (my blog), but now I've totally forgotten it! I guess he deserves the joke.

*I realize that some of my friends may not want their identity revealed, although B. is totally one that would, but my mission in life is to take away anything that will make B. happy so... no full name here sucka!

things I don't want to admit:

2007-02-07T23:02:00.000-08:00

1. I think Sienna Miller is super fine, like SUPER FINE.

2. Up until 13 minutes ago I had no clue who Sienna Miller was or what she was famous for. I figured a model, actress, singer or some glorious hybrid of those three(?).

3. I am really mad at Bravo. It all started when Jeffrey "Hot Topic" Sebelia won Project Runway. And then they sort of won me back when they started airing Six Feet Under, but now they've kind of taken a HUGE shit all over the good they've done with the losing combo of bequething the title of Top Chef onto Ilan (I would have preferred any of the other finalists over him) and Top Design. Double finger to Bravo.

4. There is something floating around in my water. Yuck. I'm still drinking it though.

5. I think I like Sarah Silverman's show on Comedy Central, which leads me directly to...

6. Dick and fart jokes get me everytime.

job-ish related matters

2007-01-25T17:17:00.000-08:00

So, in addition to volunteering at 826NYC and working for Neil G., I have just begun (2 days ago, so I'm fressssh) interning at Gawker. Point of this post: I am writing Blogorrhea NYC and I wanted to bring this to your attention, because I would love to know about your hilarious/awesome blog or (a) hilarious/awesome blog(s) you read. Please email links to me at jacquegawker@gmail.com.

Also, now that I am blogging more and more, Haley has started referring to my boobs as bloobs., which has to be documented here simply because it's the funniest thing she's said all year.

great crack addict and/or meth addict names list:

2007-01-22T12:09:00.000-08:00

- hot dog
- snowcone or snocone
- trixie
- door stop
- whitney houston

more to come!

The votes are in...

2007-01-15T12:14:00.000-08:00

"The L Word" = the biggest flaming pile of turd on T.V. EASILY.

I don't know if the interns are writing the fourth season or what, but oh my god, it's like being hit in the head with a bag of bricks-repeatedly. Ilene Chaiken, the whole cast (minus Jennifer Beals, what do you want from me? she's a MANIAC on the floor and always will be), the Betty theme song (Rapunzel high on pizza and Ani DiFrancowitz need to stick to playing the Michigan Womyn's Music Festival/Nightmare) , and the rest of the people/writers/producers/directors that add up to the doomed hour of television that is "The L Word" CANNOT and SHOULD NOT get picked up for another season.

Save us the pain!

Oh, and you know the show is super duper guranteed bad when you are stoked on the deaf chick from Law and Order SVU appearing on it.

2007...

2007-01-06T08:12:00.000-08:00

already whack like a sharkattack! Barack (take a moment to bask in my rhythmic transition, my babies) is still being coy about running, Mama Natty- nature for the haters- is totally going through some mens related shit-66 degrees right now/hotflashes?, and I'm still-relatively-jobless. I've been telling myself it's been giving me time to prioritize and do stuff I've wanted to do for a long time? But mainly all I've been doing is buying LSAT books, putting things on them like remotes, coffee cups, etc.all., attempting to delete my facebook account (and failing after being repeatedly sidetracked by people from high school and reveling, for hours, in their fat mediocrity) and trying to figure out if I generally agree or disagree with NYMagazine's approval matrix in any given issue. For example, if I think that Identity is ultradumb, then do I agree by default that Philip Glass's score in Notes on a Scandal was in fact overbearing? It's like a if A=B and B=C then does A=I am so impressionable I need to know what your doing right now so I can do it... thing.

But, don't cry for me Argentina! It's not all bad. I could be working at the Sunglass Hut. Wait, does anyone know anyone who could get me a job working at the Sunglass Hut?

possibly thanksgiving meal side dish I should make at haley's house:

2006-11-15T10:59:00.000-08:00

"Pillaged-your-land-and-raped-your-women wild rice" (the brown and white grain, I feel will serve as a sort of fun visual metaphor, which I will elaborate on upon serving)

And Haley's will be, "A-fucking-casino-doesn't-erase-what-you-did-to-us cranberry sauce"...

the beginning...

2006-11-14T15:24:00.000-08:00

Even though I am very much of the school that believes all bloggers are a) total narcissists/egoists, b) people with nothing interesting to say and/or c) wholly dissatisfied with one or more of the following: their job, friends or life, I have decided to start one.

Onwards and upwards fuckers!